Something I May Never Experience and Why.

So… it is not something I am certain certain is not going to happen to me but… ever since I was young I… uuhhm. Okay, my mom and dad have never really been on good terms so at some point they had separated and then they had to get back together. Because my grandmother passed on and everything so … yeah. They had to live together. I have never seen them hug. I have never seen them shaking hands. I have never seen them talking to each other in a good way. So yeah. Like how you see those families in TV… I think that is something I will never get to experience. Like that happiness. Not even the happiness. That peaceful family. Maybe if my parents are not together that can happen but ni ngumu ( it is difficult).
If I was to live with a happy perfect family I would find it to be too good to be true. Because eh. I can’t even explain further but I am sure that is something that I am sure I will never get to experience. I don’t know if my mom and dad just accidentally met and my mom got pregnant and they decided they were going to stay together. Just because of the baby. I don’t know… there is no love, there is no… (a deep exhale).

I am also not certain but yeah.
Having a ‘functional’ relationship with my father is what I think I may never experience. I don’t know. I think that too much time has passed. Like, we have have grown apart. Not like as in ‘enemywise’ distance apart. But I have grown up away from him. He has aged away from me. So even the interactions we have are very brief. Very light. You know… Up to some point I tend to wonder what more do people get from fathers. Because I have grown so used to not having such aspect of my life such that every time I am having a ‘fathers’ discussion with friends it gets to a point and I wonder again what more can you discuss with your dad for more than five minutes. What more could there be. It is almost as if it is not in my frame.
So…. yeah… I think I will let that one go. It has gotten more apparent the older I have become but… it is what it is.
(heavy silence)

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2 thoughts on “Something I May Never Experience and Why.”

  1. I thought I was the only one having deep thoughts and conversation in my head about families 😔😰 no love 😥😪 let me hit a joint I may open up too😭😭😪😰 glad you shared this😊

    Liked by 2 people

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