Memories and regrets

Yes. [Sigh]. I’d like to say that as a woman, there’s always a man ready to offer you money so that you sleep with him but I don’t know if it is like that for every woman. I have gotten some advances which were yuck and gross and annoying and … [angry sigh] one should have been arrested because I was young. I think 17 or 16. Huyo anafaa ashikwe [he is supposed to be arrested] [sigh].
Anyway, yes I have and I do not regret it. I will never regret it. I am so happy that I did that. That I rejected the money.
Have I given up an opportunity for love? Yes. My last relationship, I fucked that one over vizuri [well enough] [chuckle] The devil didn’t even need to help me with that. I did all that by myself. But yeah… I don’t speak much about it because there is no way I come out as a good person. In no existence. And No I did not cheat. I just [sigh] didn’t realize how much my parents’ failed marriage affected my view on relationships till this one. And honestly, I regret it. A lot.
Will I go back and fix it? No. Coz I have a big ego but I wish I did better by him. I wish a lot of things. But I wish I treated him better. I wish, then, I could express better how much he meant to me.
I shall do better by the next one. The next time love comes knocking on my door I won’t run. I will sit with it for a short while and see if we can get comfortable.

As a child I regret not playing. I didn’t play enough. Actually I didn’t play. I just did the bare minimum. My parents split up when I was a child and how that looked like was they had such a dramatic chaotic split up. And even before they split up it was drama. Like sisi tungetengeneza [we could have made a] season ya [for] Keeping up with the Kardashians. Premium episodes. Because one minute they were fine, the other one they are not. And they had a really turbulent relationship so they had highs that were really good then the lows were really low. And nobody knew. I think it is only us kids who knew the intensity of it. One minute we’d be good. At home. Then the next wamekosana [they are in disagreement] so my mom packs us up and leaves to go to her sister’s place. Another time my dad gets angry at my mom. When she’s leaving he says don’t take the children so we stay with him. But those were the good times. Because my dad is really good cook. He’s a better cook than my mom. She may kill me but he is. So when my mom left tulikuwa tunakula vizuri [we were having good food]. When she came back my brother would be like… kwa nini umerudi, si ungekaakaa [why’d you come back, you could have stayed a bit longer].
[light laughter] But anyway. Back to the point. It was really chaotic and dramatic and you didn’t know where you’d land. So my childhood had a lot of people coming in and out. So I could live in places with other children but I couldn’t stick. I didn’t have time to really cultivate the friendships and just be a child and play. Like I had other things to do. Then when they split up I had to grow up really fast and help my mom around the house and things like that.
So by the time I was eight my problem solving skills were those of a twenty year old because of how much I had gone through. Now it’s better. Now I think it’s … I don’t know how many years, but it’s close to twenty years later and they’ve still never gotten back together. I thank God for it. But I wish I just had the opportunity to just let loose, like playing games. Like I can’t play kati, bano [Kenyan childhood games][sigh]. I can’t skip ropes vizuri [well enough]. I didn’t have that. I was always clean. I wish I played.

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