2K17

“…The year that was. The year that can be forgotten but should not be forgotten…”

Three hundred plus sixty six is ‘sixty-six minus one that’s ‘sixty-five, quick math. Unless it’s a leap year, in which case you give the one back like that rare shopper who returns excess change, smile slapped across face expecting of a pat on the back. In this case two pats, or three going a little extra, topped with an appreciative curve of the lips for the good lad considering the last thing we need is one more day of 2K17. Give it to 2018 to make the World Cup last that much longer. I believe it’s safe to say I speak for most when I say we’re done. We – are – good! No silly encore. No 2017 after-party. No unnecessary last minute turn-ups, no. Turn them all down. All the way down. Once it’s done it’s done. What we need are the entrées for the next leg, the right leg this time. Putting the left leg behind us and the left leg in front, best foot forward.  (The pro football players could use this advice on the pitch midway through next year.) We’ll be walking into January complete with new and revised resolutions for that ounce of inspiration. Personally, I’ll rack them ounces for the simple reason I’ll be needing them to make up for my lack of recent and very much reticent inspiration. Enough of them they’ll call me the wizard of ounces. The wizard of oz, for short. It should stick. Never mind said resolutions will largely be made up of decisions made two, three, four years prior. As long as they come to pass sometime in this lifetime, yeah? Yeah. Shrugs.

2017. The year of fidget spinners. Of the meme ‘wars’, the POpUlaRIty contest. Of bitcoins and hurricanes. Of Floyd vs. McGregor which would really only go one way. Of Mugabe’s resignation, albeit forcedly (we lived to see the day). Of Bolt’s retirement from the main stage, the big stage. The period in time man sat down to write Gucci Gang and impress on man that man can never be hot, saw all that he had made and thought it was good. Emphasis on thought. Trump tweets, Kenyan politicking and its unfortunate casualties, Libyan slave trade and boychild limelight, or lack thereof, to name but a few. It was the kind of year that needed to come attached with a receipt and a return policy printed at the foot of the strip. Damaged, broken, dysfunctional, we’d check them all. Filling the survey with brutal honesty and honest brutality. The follow-up call would, well, follow, and we’d air out our grievances as a people. I suppose an intergalactic female voice would cue.

Hi, welcome to Universal Customer Care. We have just received your complaint. Do you mind explaining to us what the problem is?

Yea, hi. This is Earth. Er, the problem … well. (Deep breath.) The thing is, we don’t want it. The year…this year. We thought we did but… we were wondering if a return was possible?” (More of a statement than a question.)

And do you have a reason for your return request?

It isn’t what we ordered for, frankly. The descriptions sounded nice, the previews looked promising, but these were far from what arrived on our doorstep in the turn of 2016.

Oh-kay. Thank you for your feedback. Any other issue you’d like to single out? Regarding our products and/or services.” 

No, nah…that was it. Nothing else.” (For now.)

Okay. We’ll process your request and get back to you as soon as we can. Do have a good day.

Thanks. You too.

They never did get back to us. So if you’re reading this it’s too late. Too late to go back on the year, anyway. Even if the return call did finally come ringing we’d send it straight to voicemail for our light year buddies. They’d try reaching us through WheresApp and we’d serve some blue ticks with that. They had their shot…didn’t shoot. We’d be too busy on uBay going through the years on offer, this time more prudent. No more slipping up on our clicks.

2017 should be landmarked into our history, methinks. The year that was. The year that can be forgotten but should not be forgotten. The preceding years would then carry the prefix tag B2017. Why? A few landmark-worthy events went down. As a country we joined the exclusive club of countries to nullify their presidential elections. Ukraine, Maldives, Austria, and Kenya as the now fresher. This came with charting uncharted constitutional territories that had a heavy toll on our national economy trickling down to our personal economies. Political analysts quickly became household names trading their views from station to broadcasting station for airtime. A few months later and a semblance of neutrality hangs. No one really is sure what will follow. We’ll just have to stay tuned. Big names visited too. Ty Dolla $ign. Jidenna. Major Lazer’s Diplo and Walshy Fire. Wiz Kid. Nasty C. Tekno Miles. Don Moen from the gospel scene. Sports legends Thierry Henry (Arsenal) and Sevilla FC’s Oumar Kanoute. To list a few. Even Benjamin Netanyahu, Israel’s PM, got headlines buzzing. And it was not only public figures grasping top headlines. A triad of engineering masterminds managed to devise and pull off an ingenious heist on KCB’s branch in Thika recently to get away with currency worth 50M…almost. The authorities found a smoking gun in one of their very much naïve significant others. At around the same time the CBA call and ‘solidarity forever’ mantra by public university lecturers rang for the second time this year. This came with a rippling effect countrywide with students, notably those from the likes of University of Nairobi spending most of 2017 out of session than in session. Good news though, the dust settled. Business as usual. For now, at least. We’ll take ‘for now’.

In a nutshell, we made it. We survived – just. It was an okay year, all in all. All factors considered. Growth, maturity, the likes. Now we usher in the new year singing along to ‘Let It Burn’ that keeps playing over the radio. Maybe it’s a sign. Our order is on the way, the lady said, set to arrive in a few days. Meanwhile, we wait. Meanwhile, we get our stuff in order. Hold on to your spleens, everyone! It’s another one.

Pro-tip: Start reading this post at exactly 11:53 on New Year’s Eve and read through at a not-so-sloth speed. You most probably will get offended by this sloth remark at exactly midnight. Happy New Year to all 2017 leavers. As for 2017, get well soon.

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